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But maybe every life looked wonderful if all you saw was the photo albums.
Afficher en entierShe had always thought that exquisitely happy time at the beginning of her relationship with Nick was the ultimate, the feeling they'd always be trying to replicate, to get back, but now she realized that was wrong. That was like comparing sparkling mineral water to French champagne. Early love is exciting and exhilarating. It's light and bubbly. Anyone can love like that. But love after three children, after a separation and a near-divorce, after you've hurt each other and forgiven each other, bored each other and surprised each other, after you've seen the worst and the best - well, that sort of a love is innefable. It deserves its own word.
Afficher en entierThey would think she was savoring the taste (blueberries, cinnamon, cream - excellent), but she was actually savoring the whole morning, trying to catch it, pin it down, keep it safe before all those precious moments became yet another memory.
Afficher en entierHowever, at the end of the night I saw Nick stomping out to the car park, obviously in a terrible mood. They take their lives so seriously, these young people. "Just appreciate the fact that you can stomp so energetically," I wanted to say to him.
Afficher en entierShe thought again of that silly solitary trip through Europe, brushing her teeth in strange bathrooms, staring at herself in speckled mirrors with a dizzy feeling of dissociation as she tried to work out who she really was without people who loved her to reflect back her personality.
Afficher en entierI used to secretly watch Nick listening to Alice when she told a story; that tender, proud look he got on his face, the way he laughed harder than anyone else when she said something funny or typically Alice. He got Alice, the way we did, or maybe even more so than us. He dame her more confident, funnier, smarter. He brought out all the things that were there already and let her be fully herself, so she seemed to shine with this inner light. He loved her so much, he made her seem even more lovable.
Afficher en entierIt seemed truly frightening that it was only by sheer chance that she had met Nick. It could so easily not have happened, and then she would have had a shadowy, half-alive existence, like some sort of woodland creature who never sees sunlight, never even knowing how much she could love and how much she could be loved.
Afficher en entierDans son esprit se forma l'image d'un ciel gris et nuageux rempli de bouquets de ballons roses liés par des rubans blancs que le vent fouettait sauvagement. Une grande tristesse lui déchira le cœur.
Afficher en entier[...] Il m'arrivait de penser à ce que les mères sont prêtes à faire pour sauver leurs enfants comme s'élancer dans un bâtiment en feu. Et je me disais que donner la vie à mes enfants méritait bien que je souffre encore un peu. J'avais le sentiment que ça faisait de moi un être magnanime. Mais aujourd'hui, je me rends compte que je ne suis qu'une folle à lire qui court dans un immeuble en feu pour sauver des enfants qui n'existent pas. Mes enfants n'ont jamais eu l'intention de naître. Ils étaient dans ma tête. Et c'est bien ça le plus humiliant. Chaque fois que j'ai pleuré un bébé fantôme, c'était comme pleurer un homme qui n'avait même pas daigné me regarder. Mes bébés n'étaient pas des bébés. Rien que des amas microscopiques de cellules, des poupons inachevés qui allaient le rester à jamais. Mes espoirs désespérés. Des bébés chimériques.[...]
Afficher en entierEarly love is exciting and exhilarating. It's light and bubbly. Anyone can love like that. But after three children, after a separation and a near-divorce, after you've hurt each other and forgiven each other, bored each other and surprised each other, after you've seen the worst and the best-- well, that sort of love is ineffable. It deserves its own word.
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