Extraits

“Hey.” He takes my hand. “They don’t deserve you. You’re ten times the person they are, combined, even.”

“Thanks,” I say.

“Whatever happens” - his grip tightens a little- “I wish you all the best, Benjamin De Backer.” He says it with a smile. “You deserve it.”

[..] "Do you normally have a problem with people touching you, Ben?"

"Not all the time, but there are some days I just can’t stand it."

I can remember a few times where family members I hadn’t seen in ten years pulled me into hugs, or when total strangers tried to shake my hand. Even with Mom and Dad, there were days they’d hug me, or sit close to me on the couch, and I’d feel ill.

"Even with people I’m code with."

"Hummm." Dr. Taylor hums and straightens her glasses.

"It feels worse during the panic attacks."

"Touch aversion can be common in people who deal with panic attacks, or people dealing with anxiety. In fact, there are some people who are just born or develop that way, like asexual or aromantic people."

"Can’t spell ‘subtext’ without 'butt sex’."

When I think of Nathan, I think of warmth. Of reds, and oranges. But most of all, I think of yellow. That just seems like such a Nathan-y color. Happiness, joy, his optimism, that smile.

Mariam and I have had long conversations about being religious and nonbinary. For Mariam though, their hijab represents comfort, security, a connection to their faith. They could spend hours talking about how it made them feel. In fact, they made a whole series on their channel last year, what being Shia Muslim and being nonbinary meant to them.

That was one of the things I realized early. If you’re queer, your life has the potential to become one long coming-out moment. If I ever want to be called the right pronouns, I’ll have to correct people and put myself out there first and who knows what could happen.

When she’s gone, I drape over the sink, bracing myself in case my dinner comes up. I can do this, it’s going to be fine. Everything is going to be okay and this is most definitely the right thing to do. I know my parents, they know me, they deserve to know this thing about me as well.

And I want to tell them, I really, really do.

So that’s exactly what I’m going to do.