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2007 – Santana

My breathing comes in short, hard bursts as I press my body against the cool wall. My skin is clammy, but I’m too afraid to lift my hand to wipe it away, desperate to remove the beading sweat from my forehead. I squeeze my sister’s hand as I close my eyes; if I close my eyes, I won’t be so afraid. I can take myself to a world he isn’t in.

When I close my eyes, I remember a better time. A time when my parents were alive, a time when my sister’s smile lit up my life—a time when nothing hurt. Now everything hurts, my sister never smiles, and my parents are dead. My world went from beautiful to hell in a matter of hours.

That’s all it takes to change a life—a mere few hours.

My first memory as a child is one I’ll hold with me for a long, long time. It’s where I go when fear takes over. I smile when I think of my sister’s happy face as my father led her outside, his brown eyes twinkling. I held onto his hand, and he squeezed mine tightly. My sister’s eyes were firmly shut, but her body thrummed with excitement.

The moment she was able to open them, her squeals filled the silent air around us. Her face lit up as she saw the cubby house Dad and I had spent hours putting together for her birthday. Her blond ringlets bounced as she spun around, throwing her arms around Dad, then me. It was the best moment of my life.

Then an accident stole my parents from me. There was no family—well, none that wanted us anyway. We were sent into foster homes, constantly separated. Finally, when I was fourteen, we were put in together. That family was torture in its purest form, and our time there quickly became hell on earth.

Now I spend my days trying to protect my sister, putting myself first because I can’t bear to see the pain in her face when he hurts her. Each day is a battle, and we’ll fight that battle until I can get us out of here. I’d rather live on the streets than be at the hands of this monster any longer, so that leads me to the here and now, my sister and myself crushed against the wall, holding our breaths as he leaves the room.

Waiting. Praying. Hoping.

My fingers slide over hers, letting her know I’m still there, letting her know I won’t let her go. Not ever. When I open my eyes and turn to her, she’s in her happy place, too. Her eyes are tightly closed, her breathing steady. I taught her how to live in the beautiful space that lies in her mind—nothing can hurt her there.

“Girls!” Oscar barks, his heavy footfalls coming towards us.

I press myself further against the wall, praying with everything I have inside me that he won’t open the closet. I pray he’ll think we’ve gone to school. I squeeze Pippa’s hand when I hear her breathing becoming deeper. She squeezes back, a silent answer to my question. She’s okay. We’re okay . . . for now.

“Girls? Where the fuck are you? If you’re ignoring me, so help me God, I’ll fuckin’ make it hurt!”

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