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Extraits de livres appréciés par PEGGYsReadings
— Une pauvre fille a pleuré et gémi au fond de mon lit pendant des heures, grogna-t-il.
— Je parie que c’est pas la première fois, marmonnai-je.
— Alors je lui ai parlé un peu, continua Tom, m’ignorant avec la facilité qu’une année passée à mes côtés lui avait conférée.
— C’est tout ? fis-je, incrédule. Tu lui as juste parlé ?
— Oui, je lui ai raconté mes années d’école et ma première expérience sexuelle avec une femme plus âgée, et au bout d’un moment, elle s’est tue.
Je commençai à rire.
— Oh mon Dieu, tu as ennuyé un fantôme à mort.
— Beaucoup de gens paieraient pour mes mémoires, répliqua-t-il d’un ton guindé en tapotant ses lèvres avec sa serviette.
— Des fous surtout, raillai-je, et je remarquai qu’il ne nia pas.
Hello, this is Aida. This book marks the end of the Deadlock series.
Dick’s and Yuto’s love began in prison. Now that they’ve finally settled down to where they should, I’m heaving a giant sigh of relief. When the white beach of Yuto’s dreams appeared in real life, I cried even more than Yuto did (laughs).
Deadshot means a bullet that’s hit the bullseye. The title for this last volume was inspired by ideas like: who’s ‘hit the mark’ with whom? What will come of the love and ambitions that pierce the character’s hearts?
“I want to write a prison story” was the starting point of this series, but I figured three volumes’ worth of prison stories would be a little bit too much. So, I figured that starting from the second volume, these inmates with mysterious pasts could go out into the world.
There weren’t many pages with romantic scenes, perhaps because my motives were so focused on the prison aspect, but I think Yuto’s faithful love toward Dick flowed like a current consistently throughout the work.
I’d decided that when the case was solved, Yuto’s and Dick’s love would finally come to fruition. I’ve been writing the series with a singular focus toward that finish line. Now, they’ve finally gotten together after many obstacles, hardships, struggles, and detours. All for the sake of this catharsis… (laughs).
To my editor, M: thank you for all your hard work. Or I should say, sorry for making you work so hard. This series wouldn’t have been born if it weren’t for you. I was able to reach the end because you accepted what I wanted to write wholeheartedly and supported me all the way.
While I was writing this book, I was at my lowest point physically and mentally. I almost gave up countless times. If you hadn’t been my editor, I might not have made it. I was able to power through it thanks to your unwavering encouragement and warm understanding. Thank you so, so much.
To Yu Takashina, who undertook the illustrations: I was in total awe from beginning to end over the many wonderful illustrations that made me swoon every time I looked at them. I caused you so much trouble, but you gave me words of encouragement in return. They gave me a lot of strength. I imagine how hard it must have been on such a tight schedule. I would like to sincerely apologize but at the same time, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’m very glad that I was able to work with you.
When the first volume came out, I was uncertain if readers would enjoy it, but I was very happy to receive much more supportive feedback than I was expecting. Although this story is concluded, I can only hope that this Deadlock series will live on in your hearts.
I am currently running a blog where I post updates on my recent activities. Please take a look if you like:
I have one piece of good news: the first volume of Deadlock is becoming a drama CD! It is scheduled to go on sale from InterCommunications in the fall. Life in an all-male prison… I’m looking forward to seeing how it will turn out. Please give it a listen.
It has been a whole three years since my first book came out. This is my twentieth work. I feel like it is a bit of a milestone. I hope we can meet again in one of my new works.
Saki Aida
June 2007
Perhaps Dick knew that Corvus was coming to the party, and that was why he had concealed a gun under his tuxedo. He had known that everything would be settled tonight.
“I feel like we’ve gone back in time,” murmured Corvus in a sing-song voice. “We’re in the exact same situation as before.” He was talking about the riot in prison. That day, the two men had also faced off with Yuto in between.
“You’re right,” Dick spoke for the first time. “But this time, I won’t miss.”
Corvus narrowed his eyes mirthfully.
“Oh, I don’t think that’s possible. Because Yuto’s here. In battle, it’s common knowledge that having something to protect puts you at a disadvantage.”
Suddenly, there was a gunshot. It was so abrupt, at first Yuto had no idea who had pulled the trigger first.
However, when he saw the gun fall from Dick’s hand and the man clutching his right arm, he knew that Corvus had fired the shot. In a cowardly move, he had used Yuto as a shield and aimed at Dick’s dominant arm.
“You would never be able to shoot me with Yuto between us. You would be too afraid of hurting him on accident. Victory was mine from the beginning.”
Corvus approached Dick, his gun still aimed. Yuto realized that he was trying to pick up the fallen gun, and to get ahead of him, recklessly threw himself at it. He grabbed the gun with his right hand and rolled on the ground, springing up to kneel and aiming the barrel at Corvus.
“Stop it, Yuto!” yelled Dick from behind, but Yuto did not take his aim off Corvus. Yuto slowly got to his feet, his gun still trained on the man. Corvus tilted his head and gave him a perplexed smile.
“Well, I didn’t expect this turn of events. Are you going to kill me with that gun?”
“I won’t. I’m going to arrest you and hand you over to the FBI.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t want that. Not at all.”
Corvus seemed unfazed despite his words, and looked around leisurely.
“Hey, Yuto. What a beautiful night view, wouldn’t you agree? Would you like to look over this ocean of lights from a higher spot? I’m extending you an exclusive invitation to the best seat in the house. All of New York’s nightscape will be yours.”
“Enough kidding around. Corvus, hurry up and put your gun d—”
Yuto clamped his mouth shut and pricked his ears. He was hearing a strange noise that he couldn’t place. And it was getting louder.
“Looks like my ride is finally here.”
Just as the sound clicked in Yuto’s head, an enormous black helicopter abruptly rose into view behind Corvus.
The helicopter made a tight turn above Corvus before descending rapidly toward the heliport. It was UH-1, informally called a Huey.
“Yuto, get over here! Run inside…!” Dick yelled behind him. As soon as Yuto tried to move, two shots grazed his feet as if to warn him.
“Yuto, where are you off to? It’s time for our wonderful rendezvous.”
Yuto pointed his gun at Corvus as he approached, but it was clear that it was in vain. A group of men had disembarked from the Huey and were running toward him with machine guns. They were already aiming at Dick and Yuto. One suspicious movement, and they would be shot. The swift movements of the men clad in camouflage made it clear that they were professionally-trained military.
“Just take the Oriental one,” said Corvus. The men ripped the gun from Yuto and cuffed his hands behind his back. Meanwhile, one of the men continued to point his gun at Dick, discouraging him from moving.
Once the men surrounded Yuto and began walking, Dick sprang into action. He charged the man who was pointing the machine gun at him, and took him down with one bare-handed blow.
He moved gracefully like a wild animal, but because of his injured right arm, he fumbled slightly snatching the man’s machine gun away from him. Corvus took advantage of Dick’s handicap to take another shot, which hit Dick in the leg.
“Agh…!”
Even Dick was unable to handle the excruciating pain; he let out a roar and crumpled to the ground. Fresh blood streamed from his thigh and formed a dark pool on the ground.
“Dick!”
Yuto struggled with all his might, but was unable to take a step toward him with the burly man holding him down. In fact, he was being taken further and further away.
“Dick…!”
Dick managed to prop half of himself up, as if in response to Yuto’s calls. His sculpted face was twisted in pain. He had taken two bullets; it was astonishing that he was still conscious.
“Yuto…”
“Are you alright, Dick? Hang in there!”
Yuto twisted his neck to desperately look back at Dick even while he was being led to the helicopter. Corvus, who stood between them, looked down at Dick.
“Yuto will be coming with me for a bit. I’m taking him back to my old haunt. Haven’t been back in a while, after all.”
“Corvus… Yuto has nothing to do with this. Give him back…!” Dick roared, his eyes fiery with hatred.
“Oh, but he does have something to do with it. He chose to play the game. Dick, it’s all part of the fun. Who knows what card you’ll draw? Who knows what you’ll get with the next roll of the die? What fun would it be if you knew what hand you were going to be dealt? Enjoy the game with me, Dick – a game where you have no idea what’ll happen next. A game that’ll make you fear for your life. How thrilling is that?”
Corvus jerked his chin and signalled for his subordinates to make Yuto board the Huey. Both of the large sliding doors were thrown open, and the men were already starting to board. Corvus also slowly approached the Huey amidst the deafening noise of the spinning rotor.
Yuto was made to sit down in the cabin and was restrained on both sides. Yet, he continued to search frantically for Dick on the ground. He spotted the man on the other side of Corvus. He saw Dick struggling to get to his feet.
“Dick…!” Yuto yelled. Corvus turned around. Dick was walking toward him, bleeding and dragging his injured leg behind him. Corvus gave him an amused smile.
“What grit,” he said. He then hopped up and climbed into the cabin, waving his hand tauntingly at Dick.
“Dick, if you want to get Yuto back, you better chase me to the ends of the earth. You of all people should be able to find me – Dick Burnford, former sworn brother of mine.”
The enormous helicopter floated upwards. Dick teetered precariously, buffeted by the fierce wind whipped up by the helicopter’s two rotor blades.
“Dick!” Yuto screamed, leaning out of the Huey as it pulled away. Dick, too, looked only at him as the wind whipped about.
Dick yelled something at him, but the chopping of the blades drowned it out before it could reach Yuto’s ears. As they gazed at each other, the distance between them continued to widen.
In a matter of minutes, Dick’s injured figure was swallowed up in the sea of lights below them.
Dick looked stunning in his tuxedo beneath the sparkling chandelier. His body was perfectly sculpted, and his well-proportioned face was a mix of masculine ruggedness and softness. His neatly-groomed brown hair together with his glasses added to his intellectual look, which made him look mature and even more alluring.
However, Yuto found the former Dick many times more attractive, back when he was wearing his denim prison uniform. Even while being dressed like everyone else, Dick had always stood out from the rest, giving off a unique air. It wasn’t just his looks; his existence itself was simply unlike any other.
As soon as he began to reminisce about Dick in their prison days, Yuto was overcome by a powerful nostalgia that unexpectedly choked him up. Soon, he found himself lost in his past memories.
Dick was sitting on the bed that took up most of the space in their small cell, his hair swept carelessly into a ponytail. The bed was much too low for his long legs, and they dangled over the edge and stretched across the floor as he sat silently reading his book. Whenever a sliver of light would shine through the small window and catch his hair, his pure blond locks would light up like golden threads.
Dick alone had always appeared detached and elevated above his poor living conditions. Although he must have harboured a violent hatred and rage in his heart, his solitary and stoic attitude was almost like that of a monk.
In a sense, Yuto’s impression hadn’t been mistaken. Just as a monk devotes his life to God, Dick had devoted his entire being to a God called revenge. Back then, Yuto had wished every day for the nightmarish days to end, but now, he looked back on those days spent with Dick and found them to be precious, irreplaceable memories.
Yuto bitterly averted his eyes from Dick’s profile, inwardly reprimanding himself for allowing himself to wallow in pathetic sentiment. He didn’t necessarily want to return to those days. If being by Dick’s side was all that he wanted, he wouldn’t have chosen such a difficult path.
“So I hear you and Rob are sharing a room,” Dick said, still facing forward. It was a short question, but Yuto could tell from his tone that he was asking the question as Dick, not as Muller.
“Yeah, we are. What about it?” Yuto said hesitantly. Dick leaned in close to him and murmured by his ear.
“Have you slept with him yet?”
“…!”
Yuto snapped his eyes open in surprise at the unexpected question. Dick gazed at him darkly for a moment before turning away, as if satisfied to receive the answer he had been expecting.
“Rob is caring, unlike me. He’s a much better fit for you,” Dick said flatly.
“Wait a minute,” Yuto said, his voice rising uncontrollably at the sheer absurdity of Dick’s words. “What the hell do you mean by that?”
How could Dick say such a thing while being fully aware of how Yuto felt? He had no idea if Dick had meant it or if he was just being snide.
“I meant exactly what I said. Nothing special about it,” replied Dick, his voice expressionless. Irritated by his lack of emotion, Yuto swiped Dick’s glass from his hand and thrust it toward one of the hostesses nearby before grabbing Dick’s arm with his free hand.
“Come with me for a second.”
Yuto broke into a walk, pulling Dick along behind him. He knew he shouldn’t draw attention to himself, but he was unable to sit still. His mind became completely occupied by the rage he was feeling.
Once they had reached the end of the hall, behind a pillar with no other guests around, Yuto spun around to face Dick.
“What the hell are you talking about? What about me and Rob?”
“Yuto, you don’t have to worry about hurting my feelings. I know I have no say in your relationship if you were to start dating Rob.”
“Cut the crap. Rob and I are just friends.”
“He doesn’t see it that way. I can tell he’s head over heels for you. You’ve got quite a liking for him, too, don’t you?”
Yuto gritted his teeth at Dick’s astute observation. Dick wasn’t exactly wrong; it was true that Yuto had nearly given in to Rob’s advances.
Dick placed a hand on the pillar and leaned on it, giving Yuto a pitying look that he found baffling.
“Don’t look at me like that,” Dick said. “I only want you to be happy. So if you’ve got feelings for him, then—” Dick suddenly trailed off and knitted his brow in a pained expression. “No, I lied. I mean, I do want you to be happy, but I only brought up Rob because I was jealous. I hated how he would stand beside you, looking like he belonged there.”
Dick’s voice was almost a whisper. As soon as he heard those words, Yuto felt his anger dissipate instantly. Instead, he felt his heart fill with a hot surge of joy that almost made him tremble. Dick was jealous. It was an unshakable sign that Dick still had feelings for him.
“Dick, I—”
“Don’t say a word. I don’t want to hear anything from you right now,” Dick said, swiftly putting a finger against Yuto’s lips as he shook his head. “No matter how strong my resolve is, it crumbles when I see your face. I love you more than anyone else, and for the same reason, my hatred is just as strong.”
Dick’s blue eyes were filled with sadness. Yuto found himself unable to say anything back. He wasn’t the only one suffering. In fact, Dick was probably suffering many times more than him. The more he spoke, the more pain he would inflict on Dick – that realization left Yuto with no choice but to keep his silence.
Yet his emotions continued to well up inside him with nowhere to go, choking him. His chest felt like it would burst with love for Dick, and he couldn’t even breathe.
Before he knew it, Yuto’s eyes were glistening. Dick smiled at him sadly and softly wiped Yuto’s eyes.
“It seems like all I do is make you cry. Makes me hate myself all the more.”
Yuto pursed his lips and shook his head firmly.
“I could never make you happy. I knew that from the beginning, but I sought you out anyway out of my own selfish desires. I knew it would only cause you pain, but I still…”
Dick glanced furtively around to confirm that no one was nearby before pulling Yuto into a fierce embrace.
“Dick…”
“I’m sorry. Just give me this moment.”
Dick’s apology made his heart ache. Yuto was forced to face the fact that the man had broken his own principles to embrace him. He thought bitterly, Do I exist only to make Dick suffer?
“Yuto, I want you to find happiness. That’s my only wish.”
His tone was kind, but his words were brutal. Dick was telling him to forget about him.
“I can’t. I can’t be happy without you…!” Yuto blurted, unable to keep his silence anymore. “My heart is just going to stay torn apart if I lose sight of you.”
“That’s not true. Give it some time, and eventually you’ll forget about me.”
Yuto was angry at Dick for talking about it as if it were easy. It was detestable of Dick to make light of his feelings. He wished he could hate the man.
“Don’t say things you can’t even prove. I could never forget you. Look at you – you’re held hostage by your past, too. The past is all you’re seeing while you’re living in the present.”
Dick didn’t answer him. Out of frustration, Yuto thumped his fists against Dick’s chest, but his hand slipped toward his armpit and brushed something hard.
Yuto retracted his hand as if he’d been burned.
“Is that a gun…?”
Dick subtly stepped away from Yuto.
“I always carry one.”
It made sense, but Yuto found it strange that Dick would be cautious enough to arm himself at a party, even going as far as to wear a shoulder holster to conceal it from Jessica. The risks were too high.
“Dick, what are you doing carrying a gun at a party—”
“I’ll be heading back now, but you should stay behind for a bit. Your eyes are still red. Rob will be wondering what happened to you.”
Dick’s tone was gentle, but the sadness in his eyes was completely wiped clean. He was back to being the steely man of before, having woken up from his dream to face reality again.
Yuto reached out to Dick, feeling an uneasiness creeping up on him, but Dick shrunk away and took a step back.
“Yuto, I can’t live life for the future. My soul died that day with my brothers. I’m just an empty ghost living for revenge,” Dick said as he slowly stepped away. His next words were clear, his eyes cold and devoid of emotion.
“Loving you was the biggest mistake I made.”
Yuto felt a sharp pain as if someone had plunged a knife into his chest.
“Ghosts don’t need love; what they need is stronger resentment, a stronger hatred. That keeps a dead man alive for as long as he needs.”
With that, Dick turned on his heel and walked briskly away. All Yuto could do was stand frozen behind the pillar, unable to call out to him or run after him.
“I really can’t agree with what he’s doing. He loves you. Why does he refuse to be true to those feelings? I know he wants revenge on Corvus, but this isn’t just his problem, considering he’s roped you in.”
“He didn’t rope me in,” Yuto said in Dick’s defense. “I jumped into it on my own. It’s not Dick’s fault.”
“Either way, the result is the same,” Rob retorted in an uncharacteristically cold manner. “He’s already gotten himself deeply involved with you. What he’s doing now – humiliating you and pretending that you have nothing to do with each other – is the lowest he could go as a man. If his own revenge was really more important than you, he should never have slept with you that n—“
Rob cut himself off abruptly, apparently realizing that he had gone too far.
“I’m sorry. I know I don’t have a say in any of this.”
“It’s alright,” Yuto said, shaking his head. “I know you’re angry because you care. But I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about Dick. We ended up in a relationship because I wanted it. Dick tried to distance himself, but I’m the one who…. Anyway, that’s why it’s not his fault.”
It was Yuto who had sought after Dick. When they had sex for the first time in prison, Yuto had asked for it. When they reunited, Yuto had been the one to visit him. Dick had slept with him because he was unable to turn him away, but he wasn’t to blame for their relationship.
Rob smiled with a sadness that bewildered Yuto.
“You’re kind and strong, you know that? You’re suffering yourself, but you always put yourself in Dick’s shoes and think about how he’s feeling. That’s what makes me want to criticize Dick even more. Dick and Jessica are staying in the same room. They might even be back there right now, in bed together. And you still want to stick up for Dick?”
Yuto let his eyes wander out the window, unable to meet Rob’s gaze.
“Dick will use any method it takes to get what he wants,” Rob continued. “Even if he knows he’s hurting you, he’ll still sleep with Jessica tonight to get information from her. Right under this roof, in this very same hotel.”
Yuto stood up abruptly, unable to stand it anymore. He walked over to the window and pressed his forehead against the cool glass.
“—You’re cruel. You know I’m trying my best to keep it together.”
Even though Yuto was trying not to think about it, Rob kept thrusting the ugly truth in his face. His sharp words made cuts in his heart that oozed with jealousy that he didn’t want to admit. Yuto felt like he was losing sight of himself.
“You don’t have to keep it together. You have every right to blame Dick.”
“Dick is gay. If he sleeps with Jessica, it won’t be out of his own desire. He’s only pretending to be head-over-heels for her, and it’s not out of his choice.”
Rob stood and came up behind him, reaching past Yuto and putting both hands on the glass. Yuto was now trapped in Rob’s arms.
“Yuto. I don’t care what circumstances Dick is in. My problem with Dick is that he’s putting his own interests before you. If he really loves you, he should want to make you happy. Why does he refuse to let go of the past? Why won’t he try to live for you?”
Yuto bit his lip, overcome with the impulse to cover his ears.
“Are you saying that Dick doesn’t love me…?”
“That’s not what I said. But look how much you’re doing for him – how much you’re going through for him. He doesn’t realize any of that. He’s only thinking about himself. That’s what gets me.”
Rob’s arms wound around his waist. Yuto twisted in surprise, but Rob’s hold only closed in on him more.
“Yuto. I would never make you suffer like this,” Rob murmured yearningly, his breath gently caressing Yuto’s earlobe. “I’d always be there for you. I’d cheer you up when you’re down. I’d never leave you to deal with things alone, no matter what happens.”
“Rob… stop it,” Yuto gasped, starting to feel suffocated.
Chris was wearing light makeup that clashed with his goatee. His hair, shaven short to accentuate his small head, was dyed light pink. He was wearing a tight-fitting shirt and pants. Unsurprised by the man’s appearance, Yuto gave him a smile and offered his hand.
“Pleasure to meet you, Yuto. You can call me CJ, honey.”
CJ briskly laid out the two tuxedoes and encouraged the men to try them on.
“I’m positive they’ll fit perfectly, but no harm in making sure. Chop-chop, come on!”
Once Yuto and Rob finished getting dressed, CJ clapped his hands gleefully.
“Omigosh, cuties, you look fantastic! I wish I could just take you home and put you on display. But Yuto, maybe your sleeves are a bit short. How’s the collar? Not too tight?”
Rob looked annoyed as CJ ran his hands all over Yuto.
“Hey, stop grabbing at him like that.”
CJ arched one thin eyebrow.
“A little touching never hurt anyone! Right, Yuto? Isn’t it such a pain having a jealous professor for a boyfriend? How long have you been dating?”
When Yuto corrected CJ to let him know they weren’t dating, the man widened his eyes dramatically.
“My! Rob, you mean to say you still haven’t bagged this cutie? Since when did that pride and joy between your legs go out of commission? I remember you used to be such a bold guy when you were younger. Taking someone different home every night. I have good memories of when you used to be a bad boy. You were practically glowing. Forget Saturday Fever; it was Every Night Fever for you back then.”
CJ recounted Rob’s past racy exploits one after another like a rapid fire machine gun. Rob, rendered speechless, hastily kicked CJ out of the room, claiming that they had matters to attend to.
“…You look like you have something to say,” Rob grimaced awkwardly, noticing Yuto’s icy stare.
“No, not really,” Yuto said as he changed out of the tuxedo back into a suit. Rob began to change as well, but once he had stripped down to his shirt, he hovered around Yuto, seemingly unable to go without making excuses.
“You know, what CJ said was partly true, but it’s not like I enjoyed sleeping around. You know how it is with young people, not being able to distinguish between their ideals and reality. Back then, I thought The One was out there. I was chasing after a dream that didn’t exist.”
“Is that so? I just thought maybe you had trouble keeping your junior under control,” Yuto said sarcastically.
“You’ve got it all wrong,” Rob said, looking offended as he placed his hands over his crotch. “Junior here is well-behaved, just like me. Even when you’re sleeping in the bed right beside me, all defenseless, he still stays put like I tell him to.”
Rob tended to go on forever with his dirty jokes. Yuto decided to wrap up the mindless conversation and picked up his cell phone instead.
“Hey, Yuto, slumber away like that and you’ll miss dinner!” said an energetic voice, disturbing Yuto’s sleep. He opened his eyes to see Micky standing over him. “Wake up, man,” he said. “Let’s head over to the cafeteria.”
Micky grabbed his arm and helped him sit up. Yuto cast his eyes around him. The sun was starting to set on the grounds, which was occupied by men clad in denim prison uniforms. Some were kicking a ball around, others were hanging out with others of the same colour of skin. It was a familiar, mundane everyday scene.
Yuto knew in the back of his mind that this was all a dream, but he still felt a sense of deep disappointment – despair, you could even call it. This was Schelger Prison, and he was a prisoner. He had a long sentence as a murderer ahead of him. His nightmare had never ended.
Yuto felt thoroughly defeated as he headed for the central wing with Micky. He watched the swarm of inmates in front of him being sucked into the entrance of the cafeteria. The low, incessant hum of chatter filled the spacious hall; the click of plastic plates and utensils; body odour mingled with a mysterious rotting smell that diminished the appetite.
He felt a nauseating sense of familiarity as he took his seat at the table, and was joined by Nathan and Matthew.
“Yuto, what’s wrong? Are you feeling unwell?” Nathan asked him gently as Yuto sat there absent-mindedly.
“I’m just sleepy, that’s all,” he said. Even if he knew that this man was really Corvus, in this dream he was still Nathan, his friend.
“Oh, there’s Dick,” Matthew said cheerfully as he turned to the entrance. Yuto’s heart beat faster. He was going to be able to see Dick. For his dream self, it was unremarkable, but for the real Yuto – his conscience, watching from far away – this was a moment more precious than any other.
Dick was heading over their way with his meal tray in hand. His hair was, of course, still blond. Their eyes met. In that instant, Dick’s expressionless eyes hardened with animosity.
“Who are you? What are you doing at our table?”
His cold voice rejected Yuto’s existence.
“Hey, what’s the matter?” Nathan butted in gently, trying to make peace. “He’s Yuto. Your cellmate.”
“I don’t know him. Get out of here, you’re an eyesore.”
Dick was looking at him like he was truly a stranger. Yuto was shocked and hurt, but he figured there was nothing he could do. His feelings were a mix of reality and fiction. He had betrayed Dick. He was preventing Dick from accomplishing his goal. These were consequences that he truly deserved.
The moment Yuto got up from his seat, someone grabbed him roughly by the arm. He whipped around to see BB, from the black gang.
“Hey, Yuto. Did Dick dump you? It’s alright, I’ll make you feel better.”
In the blink of an eye, BB’s men had jumped in and restrained him. Yuto desperately fought back, but Micky and the rest had resumed their meals like nothing was happening. Only Nathan looked at him with pity.
“Poor thing. But it is your fault, you know. If you hadn’t joined the FBI, this wouldn’t have happened. You made the wrong choice.”
He heard Nathan’s words and wondered if they were his true feelings. Perhaps he was actually regretting making the decision to arrest Corvus, even if it meant getting in Dick’s way.
“Let’s enjoy ourselves, Yuto. It’s more exciting with a big audience, ain’t it?” BB unzipped his fly as he approached. He was going to be raped again. He couldn’t bear it, even if it was just a dream.
Yuto looked to Dick for help, but all he saw was the man’s well-proportioned profile focused on his food. It hit home – he was being erased.
—From now on, you and I are enemies.
Dick’s words came back to him. Yuto, unable to contain himself, yelled Dick’s name.
“Dick! Look at me! Please…”
“You can call him all you want. You betrayed him. He’ll never help you again,” BB grinned cruelly. His men restrained Yuto and made him bend over the table. The crowd of inmates around them hooted and made vulgar remarks as BB yanked Yuto’s underwear and pants down together. He felt the air on his bare skin as BB came up against him from behind.
“Stop… get off me! Don’t touch me! I don’t…. ugh…!”
“Yuto, Yuto…!”
The moment Yuto screamed in pain at BB forcing himself inside, his nightmare was dispersed by an urgent voice calling out to him and shaking him.
“You alright? Are you awake now?”
Yuto took ragged breaths as he looked up at Rob, who was crouched over him. The dim nightlight illuminated Rob’s worried face. He looked like he was looking at a gravely ill patient. Yuto could tell from Rob’s demeanour just how badly he must have been thrashing in his sleep.
“Sorry for waking you up with the noise, Rob.”
“Don’t worry about it. I awake doing some thinking, anyway. Want me to bring you some water?”
“No, that’s alright. I’ll be fine. Go back to bed.”
Rob shook his head as he sat on the floor and levelled his eyes with Yuto’s.
“Let’s talk a bit, if you don’t mind. If you go straight back to sleep like that, you’ll have nightmares again. —Can I ask what you were dreaming about?”
Yuto rolled over to face Rob.
“The usual,” he said.
“Bad memories of being in prison?”
“Yeah. But it was a little different this time.”
Rob knew that he had been raped. There was no need to try to cover it up now.
“Dick didn’t help me when BB was raping me. He was right there, but…. But I figured there was nothing I could do. I was enemies with Dick now. It was only natural of him to cut me off.”
Yuto stumbled and slurred through his words, his tongue still heavy from the lack of sleep the night before. Perhaps that made him sound like a child, for Rob smiled wryly and stroked his hair.
“You must be really sleepy,” he said. “Your dreams often reflect your anxieties and your worries. Maybe you were punishing yourself in your dream.”
“Punishing myself?”
“Yes. To put it in harsh words, maybe you were putting yourself in the most painful situation possible to cause yourself suffering, so that you could alleviate your guilt toward Dick.”
“Maybe,” Yuto mumbled. He couldn’t forget Dick’s icy gaze. He had chosen to walk this path even if it mean that Dick would hate him, but it was still unbearably painful to be rejected by Dick. “I kind of feel more like I was making myself into a tragic hero so that I could feel sorry for myself or get Dick to pity me,” he said in self-scorn with a weak smile. Rob yanked Yuto’s earlobe sternly.
“Hey, Yuto. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You haven’t done anything wrong.”
“But I love Dick, and I’m trying to get in his way. I feel like not only am I betraying him, I’m betraying my own feelings for him, too.”
If he let Dick kill Corvus, it would result in Dick harbouring an even deeper darkness in his heart. That was why Yuto had made the decision to arrest Corvus, partially for Dick’s sake. But in truth, he was deathly afraid of Dick hating him. He was unable to completely let go of his personal attachment.
“You didn’t betray him. You just went separate paths.”
“In my head, I know. I understand. But my heart can’t set it aside so easily.” Even as he said those words, Yuto felt a strong disdain for himself. He couldn’t even bring himself to live for Dick, yet here he was, complaining. He was sick of how indecisive and weak he was.
“I’m sorry, Rob. You don’t have to put up with my dumb stories. Go to bed.”
“—Alright. Can I sleep with you, then?”
“Huh?”
Rob brought over a pillow from his own bed, pushed Yuto to the other end, and lay down beside him.
“Rob? What’s this about?”
“Don’t get your guard up. I’m just going to sleep beside you. Don’t worry, I’ll keep these touchy hands linked over my chest like this. They say having someone beside you stops you from having nightmares.”
Rob settled himself nicely into his spot, heedless of Yuto’s confusion and agitation.
“Is that true?”
Yuto had never heard of such a thing, but it sounded convincing coming from Rob.
“It’s true. My mom used to say it often.”
“Oh, your mom.”
“They also say a sweet kiss before bed makes you sleep better at night. Like to try?”
Rob leaned in before Yuto gave him a swift kick under the sheets.
“Ow! No need to kick so hard,” Rob protested.
“Is that also what your mommy said?” Yuto asked.
“No,” Rob grimaced. “That’s just my own theory,” he confessed. There was no letting one’s guard down around him.
“Yuto,” Rob murmured, his face turning serious. “You might not completely understand your feelings right now, but that’s natural. You have no choice but to have faith in yourself. Whether you’re alone or living as part of a group, in the end, your strong will is what’s going to support you. A path will appear as long as you don’t give up – let’s believe in that.”
Rob clasped his hand under the sheets. Yuto could tell there were no sexual undertones, so he didn’t slap Rob’s hand away.
“It might be painful for you now, but one day you’ll look back and feel like you did the right thing,” Rob said. The warmth flowed from his hand like encouragement that seeped deep into Yuto’s heart. There seemed to be something healing about his human warmth that couldn’t be explained with facts. He could feel his tired and tensed-up soul slowly unwinding and relaxing.
“Good night, Yuto. Sleep well,” Rob whispered, prompting Yuto to close his eyes. He felt like he could sleep this time without being bothered by any dreams.
Hello everyone, this is Aida. This is my second book from Chara Bunko.
This is a continuation of Deadlock, released in September of last year. If you haven’t read the previous book yet, please have a look and read about how Yuto and Dick met.
The previous book was set in a prison. I have a thing for prison settings, so I enjoyed writing it very much, but I was very worried about whether readers would be as receptive.
However, readers were very open and accepting, and I received many letters telling me how much they enjoyed the book. “What a relief!” I sobbed in happiness, and riding that high, I went out and rented some prison movies that I’d been eyeing. “I knew it, prison movies are the best!” I said as I watched them, tears of emotion streaming down my face. And that’s how I went on to write the next book.
Enough about my love for prisons. The spotlight for this book was Dick’s long-time wish – making love on a clean bed. Dick Burnford (alias), a man who orders pizza for sex....
Also appearing in this book is Neto, who had a passionate following from the previous book. I had a lot of requests asking for him to appear, so he made a cameo. As always, he can’t help but be indulgent to Yuto. He ended up more like a worry-wart father of a young girl rather than a friend.
Rob, a new character, is in a bit of an awkward spot (laugh). However, despite his flippant attitude, he is quite reliable in bringing the investigation forward, so I think he will continue to support Yuto in the next book, too.
Yu Takashina handled the illustrations for this volume as well. Thank you for another wonderful cover! Yuto doing his sexy pose (?) and Dick in a suit with glasses. They’re both so handsome, it makes me swoon. Words cannot describe how much your wonderful illustrations have helped my books. Thank you so much. I look forward to your works in my next book as well.
To my editor, M, I feel nothing but apologetic for causing you trouble yet again. Despite the terrible situation, you always encouraged me and said, “Let’s make this an excellent work.” Thanks to that, I was able to write to the end without losing motivation. Thank you.
A few words regarding the title of this volume, Deadheat. In Japan, the word is often used to describe a heated race, or a close fight. However, its original meaning is different; in English, apparently it is used more to describe a draw or a tie, a match where the winner is undecided. I feel like the latter meaning fits this work better.
The CIA and FBI – one tries to kill, while the other tries to arrest. Yuto and Dick have drifted apart again as they choose their own paths. In the third volume, the story will come to an end.
As they chase after Corvus, how will their relationship end up? I hope you will stick around to find out.
Saki Aida
February 2007
Dick’s words materialized in Yuto’s mind.
Perhaps the biggest source of Dick’s suffering was the fact that he was the only survivor. He was only able to carry on living by dedicating his life to revenge.
If that was the case, it was possible that Dick would take his own life after killing Corvus. Perhaps he would feel relief at accomplishing his mission, and would attempt to join his friends on the other side.
Although it was merely speculation, it was certainly plausible. Yuto had a feeling that for Dick, his current life was merely a period of postponement until his execution.
Corvus was not the only one immersed in a deep darkness – for Dick, it was the same.
Beyond the curtains, the sky was starting to lighten outside. A new morning was coming.
Night would always turn to morning as long as you were alive; yet, the light never reached Dick’s heart. The man had turned away from the light and was struggling and suffering in darkness.
Yuto got up from the bed and stood by the window. He cracked open the curtain and looked up at the powdery purple sky of dawn. It was beautiful, and his soul felt cleansed by it, as if all the filth was being washed away.
The morning sun rose through the gaps in the buildings, and its newly-born rays shone on Yuto. If only this light would reach Dick’s heart, Yuto prayed as he pressed his forehead against the glass.
Yuto narrowed his eyes as he solemnly witnessed the start of a new day.
He made for a corner in the lobby to make his call and took one step before he was grabbed by the arm from behind. Yuto turned around in surprise and gasped when he realized who it was.
“Dick…”
Dick was stony-faced, looking down at him icily.
“Come,” he said shortly, breaking into a brisk walk. Yuto hastily followed after him. Dick stepped into the elevator and immediately closed the door. They didn’t exchange a single word as they reached the eighth floor and continued walking down the long hallway.
Dick opened the door to Room 809 and turned back to Yuto. Yuto stood hesitantly, but was soon shoved inside the room by force. Although it was a twin room, there was no luggage or belongings appearing to belong to a woman. Yuto was relieved to find that Dick was staying alone.
“Dick, I’m sorry for coming out of the blue.”
“Don’t call me by that name. I’m Steve Muller now,” Dick said curtly. “You’re only making things harder for me by following me around like this. Don’t you get the message?”
Yuto’s anticipation crumbled instantly as he was faced with the anger that practically radiated off of Dick’s body. Even though they were alone together now, Dick’s attitude was as icy as ever. He didn’t even show a hint of happiness at their reunion.
To Dick, Yuto was nothing more than a part of the past that he had left behind. Faced with the harsh truth, Yuto could find no words to say.
He had come out to see Dick to show him how he felt. It had been his own way of saying, I haven’t forgotten about you. I’ve always wanted to see you. Yuto had meant to express these feelings in this gesture, but to Dick, it had been nothing but a nuisance. It had been one-sided all along.
“What did you come here for?”
“What did I…?” Yuto repeated in shock. Dick hadn’t caught the ball he had thrown. It hadn’t even touched his glove; instead, it had hit him in the back and fallen to the ground.
Dick was not willing to play catch with Yuto. That much was clear.
“Were you ordered to come here and keep watch on me?”
“Keep watch…?”
“I know you’ve joined the FBI. Did you think that you would find out where Corvus by keeping tabs on me?”
Yuto stared at Dick’s chiseled face in confusion.
Was Dick being so cold to him because he was part of the FBI? Was it because he was with an opposing organization?
“Yes, I did become an FBI agent, but it wasn’t to be at odds with you. In fact, I joined because I wanted to see you again—”
“Stop making excuses. I gave you information about Corvus because you were innocent, and I wanted you to be freed from prison. Not to lend a hand to the FBI. But lo and behold, as soon as you got out, you went and became their dog. I didn’t expect you to take a job that directly interferes with mine. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you,” Dick said bitterly, turning away. It was almost as if he was saying that he couldn’t stand to look at someone so detestable.
“Dick, no. You’ve got it wrong. I never meant to get in your way—”
“Then quit the FBI right now. If you can’t, then get out of my sight. You’re a hindrance.”
He had a point; the CIA and FBI were two opposing organizations. One was plotting Corvus’ assassination; the other was determined to arrest him.
Although Yuto was more than aware of that, he had believed it was a problem that arose from their positions, and not something that would hinder their personal relationship. He had never dreamed that Dick would shun him so strongly.
Yuto cursed his foolishness. He knew how much Dick was invested in chasing after Corvus. He knew all too well that Dick was gambling his own life in order for a chance to kill Corvus.
He wanted to understand Dick, wanted to know him better than anyone else. But despite his intentions, he had only been thinking about himself all this time. That realization was perhaps the most embarrassing of all.
“—I’m sorry,” Yuto said. “I didn’t think things through. I just thought that if I joined the FBI and started my own chase after Corvus, I’d be able to see you one day. Be in the same world as you. That was it – that was simply all there was to it. I didn’t realize I’d be nothing but a nuisance to you by chasing after you.”
His voice trembled. Yuto balled his hands into fists, desperately suppressing his distraught emotions.
“Why did you want to see me again?”
Yuto was confused by Dick’s question. He knew that Dick was already aware of his feelings.
“Are you still hung up on that time we had sex?”
“Dick…?”
Dick strode over and roughly grabbed Yuto’s chin.
“Was it that good? I’ll admit, the sex was satisfying. You came on to me so coyly that it got me in the mood. And it wasn’t bad. It was all the more exciting because of the situation. If you’re that desperate, I can do you a favour and sleep with you just one more time. But it’ll be the last. Have your fill, and never come after me again.”
His blue eyes gazed piercingly down at Yuto from behind his spectacles. Yuto could only stare back at him in stunned silence.
He could feel his hands and feet getting cold as the blood drained from his body. It wasn’t that he was hurt by Dick’s words; rather, he was heartbroken that Dick was willing to go so far to push him away.
No matter how much of a nuisance Yuto was to Dick now, he hadn’t expected Dick to ridicule that moment that they shared. It was supposed to have been an important moment for them. It wasn’t just physical intimacy; they had intimately shared their hearts as well. They had sought each other, deeply and with their very souls.
“If that’s what you’ve come for, then hurry up and get in bed. Let’s get it over with.”
It was enough. He didn’t want to hear any more.
He was the one making Dick say such heartless things. Dick was trying to cut all ties between them by purposely saying such hurtful things.
“What’s wrong? How about you say something?”
Yuto gentle pushed back against Dick’s chest. “…It’s fine, Dick.”
“What is?”
“I know you’re not serious about what you’re saying. So just stop.”
Dick twisted his lips into a sneer. “How do you know I’m not being serious? Don’t let your wishful thinking get ahead of you.”
“I do know! How could I not?” Yuto exclaimed. He let his turbulent emotions take over, shaking his head vehemently. “If I’m that much of a nuisance to you, I’ll never set foot anywhere near you again. So, please… don’t trample over that moment we shared back then. I don’t care if you’re pretending to. That night we spent together is still a precious memory for me. Even if you end up forgetting about it, I’ll still remember ‘til the day I die. I could never forget.”
Yuto turned his back to Dick and slowly started walking toward the exit. He didn’t want to make Dick suffer anymore, or make him say any more hurtful words.
That was the only thing on his mind.
As his hand closed around the doorknob, Yuto hesitated a moment before saying his last words.
“Dick, I wish you well. I’ll be praying for your happiness, wherever you go.”
He felt a strong déjà vu at his own words. Yuto remembered he had said the same words to Dick just before the man escaped from prison. That time, he had seen Dick off with a smile. But now, he couldn’t even so much as muster one. He couldn’t even bring himself to look Dick in the face.
Yuto felt like he was being torn apart as he went to open the door. Just then, he felt a strong impact against his back. For a moment, he didn’t know what had hit him. As soon as he realized that Dick was hugging him from behind, his vision blurred with tears.
“Dick…?”
A pair of strong arms were holding him back. He was held in an embrace that was so tight, he had no room to budge.
“Dick, why….”
Tears streamed from Yuto’s eyes. Dick still said nothing. Yuto could only feel the man’s gasping breaths against his cheek.
Yuto was suddenly flipped around and hugged from the front. His tears flowed even more freely as he was pressed against the man’s broad chest.
Yuto tried to lift his face to look at Dick, but the man kept turning away. He looked like he was in pain, like he was desperately trying to hold back.
When Yuto reached out and gently stroked Dick’s cheek, the man flinched.
Yuto hesitantly cupped Dick’s face with his hands. Dick’s eyes were cast down as he took several deep breaths. He refused to look at Yuto, as if he were afraid of him.
“Dick, look at me,” Yuto murmured, taking Dick’s glasses away. He then gently ruffled Dick’s neatly-slicked hair. By doing that, he felt like the man in front of him was slowly returning to the Dick that he knew.
“Please, look me in the eye,” Yuto pleaded. Dick finally opened his eyes. They were close enough to feel each other’s breaths as their gazes collided. As soon as he saw those wavering blue eyes, Yuto was sure that the man in front of him was the man he knew all too well.
It was Dick himself - the same Dick Burnford from Schelger Prison.
“Yuto, you always find a way to break my heart. Why…?” Dick said, his voice strained. He ran his fingertips along Yuto’s face searchingly, from his forehead to his temple, down his nose to his lips. His movements were hesitant, like that of a blind person using his sense of touch to ascertain what was in front of him.
“I knew my will would be swayed as soon as I saw you. That’s why I didn’t want to.”
“Dick… you don’t hate me?”
Would Dick forgive him for becoming an FBI agent? Yuto couldn’t help but ask, as he was desperate to know.
“How could I hate you? Even if you killed me, I still couldn’t hate you.”
Hello, and for first-time readers, nice to meet you. I’m Saki Aida. Thank you very much for picking up this book.
This is the fifteenth book I’ve written, and my first one with the Chara Bunko. And for my first work with this publisher, I ended up writing a story set in a smelly, messy prison. I was given many pages to write an afterword, and I took that as a message from my editor to explain myself (give an excuse) on why I decided to write a prison story. I’ll do my best to share everything with you.
So, prison stories. For some reason I’ve always loved them, especially films. I remember the first prison film I got hooked on was Midnight Express directed by Alan Parker. A young American man travelling in Turkey gets arrested for trying to leave the country with marijuana, and is put into a Turkish prison. The film is based on a true story, and its sheer darkness and ruthlessness left a huge impact on me.
On the other hand, I also love prison break movies with an exhilarating ending, like Escape to Victory (this one’s a prison camp, though) starring Sylvester Stallone. Whether the protagonist works together with a group of friends, or is a proud lone wolf who devises a plan by himself, either way, the exhilaration of overcoming hardship to achieve success and claim victory is like no other.
This one isn’t a film, but I also enjoyed the manga masterpiece Sukeban Deka (Delinquent Girl Detective) by Shinji Wada, especially the Ryozanpaku arc where the protagonist, Saki Asamiya, infiltrates a mysterious juvenile training school. The worm bath brings back memories.
I’ve seen many films that are set in prison, and generally I think there is no such thing as a bad prison film. I think the compelling aspect of prison stories is that there are many conflicts laid out from the very beginning. Justice and evil, crime and punishment, trust and betrayal, despair and hope. I feel like because it is such a closed-off and isolated environment, various things are more condensed and concentrated, which makes for a naturally-intense human drama.
An extreme world, full of only men. Not only that, it’s like a jungle where it’s eat or be eaten, there are no rules (laugh) and it’s the survival of the fittest. In a world with no way out, the men are given no choice but to take a good look at themselves and at others head-on. They’ll make enemies, but also friends. Sometimes they’ll harbour hatred, or on the contrary, feel a budding friendship. Maybe sometimes they’ll trip up and end up falling in love.
The sight of these men - desperately trying to protect their dignity even while being humiliated, and stubbornly trying to stay true to themselves even after being faced with one setback after another – is something I find very attractive. I love men as fighters. It’s oddly sexy to see a powerful man being battered and bruised in a fight, isn’t it?
Last year, in autumn or so, I wrote an essay about how much “moe” I had for prison in the magazine Shosetsu Chara. I got carried away in a passionate rant then, too, but I still have so many more things I want to say. “Moe” is like a bottomless swamp that you can never crawl out of once you fall in (laugh).
Anyway, after telling my editor about how much I loved prison settings, I was given the opportunity to write this book. I’d always dreamed of writing a prison novel, so I am very happy that it came true.
However, despite how glad I was, I had quite a difficult time actually writing the book (of course). I started writing around spring of this year. I was so excited and pumped going into it, but once I started writing, it was so difficult that it took me longer than it ever has to complete it.
I had a lot of uncertainties, since this was my first novel that I had to write with a sequel in mind, as well as my first story set overseas. Furthermore, I ended up writing more than my allotted pages, which is rare for me (I always have to add more later because I end up short). This work has become the longest I’ve ever written, but I still feel like I haven’t written enough. “How obsessed are you with prison stories??” I almost want to chide myself.
I’d like to give a huge thank you to M, my editor. I caused you so much trouble in my first time working with you, and I am nothing but apologetic. The entire time leading up to handing off the complete manuscript, I felt so guilty that I thought I would get a stomach ulcer. But thanks to you always encouraging me with kind words, I was able to work full steam ahead without giving up. I’m grateful from the bottom of my heart for your checks and sound advice. Please don’t let this experience discourage you, and please let me continue to work with you.
To Yu Takashina, who drew the illustrations for this novel: I swooned at your phenomenal illustrations. The beautiful and alluring depictions of the characters, and the photorealistic backgrounds. They were incredible. I’m sure there are many readers who will pick up this book who aren’t necessarily interested in prison stories, but were drawn to the beautiful illustrations. Thank you so much. I’m looking forward to your work in the next volume as well.
Lastly, my readers: I crammed all the prison tropes into this book, Deadlock. How did you find it? I hope you were able to enjoy it even a little. Please feel free to send me your thoughts.
The direct translation of “deadlock” means “standstill” or “stalemate”. In IT, it is a processing standstill that occurs when multiple processes are waiting for each other to release the resources that they solely own.
Yuto and Dick were going after the same man, but were impeded by each other’s existences and were unable to achieve their goal. This book ended with them parting even though they were strongly attracted to each other, but in the next book I’ve planned for them to reunite again. Now that their relationship has moved to the outside world, how will it change along with the search for Corvus? I hope you will be there to see Yuto and Dick’s reunion. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I can imagine how passionate their reunion will be, and I myself cannot wait to write it.
Next time, I hope they will be able to confirm their love anew on a nice, clean bed (laugh).
September 2006
Saki Aida
Yuto felt a weight lift in his heart from finally being able to say it. He felt like whatever that was lodged in his chest was finally gone.
“When you said you were looking forward to having me back… it lifted my spirits a lot. I wanted to thank you as soon as I got back, but I couldn’t find the right time.”
Normally Yuto would be reluctant to be this honest with his feelings, but perhaps the fever was lowering his inhibitions. But Dick said nothing. Yuto wondered if he was taken aback at Yuto’s exaggerated gratitude toward a casual gesture.
Suddenly feeling embarrassed, Yuto dropped his gaze as if to avoid Dick’s.
“Solitary wasn’t half bad for you, though, was it? You had Libera, after all,” Dick said coldly. Yuto was disconcerted at Dick’s thorny attitude. It almost felt like Dick was accusing him.
“What are you talking about? Of course it was terrible. Sure, talking with Neto was a good distraction, but I couldn’t wait to get out of there. The whole time I was thinking about coming back here.”
What about you? Weren’t you looking forward to having me back? Was that letter just full of polite pleasantries?
Yuto wished he could ask, but there was no way he could. They sounded like something an insecure man would say to his aloof lover.
Yuto mentally made up excuses for himself. He wasn’t in his right mind; after all, he’d just gotten back, and he was having a fever. And this cramped cell that he used to be so sick of was heaven compared to that soul-sucking solitary cell. He was unravelling from the relief of coming back, that was why―
“Yuto,” Dick murmured.
Yuto’s drooping eyes snapped back open.
Dick had never called him by his first name before. Although Micky and Nathan had called him Yuto from the start, Dick, for some reason, had stubbornly continued to call him Lennix.
“I’m happy you’re back, too,” said Dick. “Welcome home, Yuto.”
His words were short, but his gaze was tender. Dick’s eyes had always seemed so cold before, but now they held a kind of warmth that he found almost hard to believe. Trapped in the gaze of Dick’s vivid blue eyes, Yuto felt like his whole being was enveloped in his warm embrace. His heart stirred painfully.
Why was Dick the only one to cause such a flurry of emotions? What was it about the man that continued to draw Yuto uncontrollably? No amount of thinking gave him an answer.
“Get some rest,” Dick said. “I’ll keep watch right here so no one can bother you.”
He felt happy when Dick was gentle to him, happier than with anyone else. He didn’t know why, but he knew this much was certain.
Despite having a fever, Yuto found himself feeling surprisingly peaceful as he closed his eyes. Tonight was the first time since coming to Schelger Prison that he had ever felt so tranquil as he dropped off to sleep.
Yuto woke up to the feeling of someone changing the towel on his forehead. Lights-out had come and gone while he was asleep – it was pitch dark around him, and Block A was settled and silent.
As his eyes got used to the darkness, he could make out Dick’s face in the dim moonlight. Dick was still sitting on the edge of Yuto’s bed, in the exact same position as before.
“What about the last roll call?” Yuto asked. Usually inmates were absolutely required to stand behind the bars during roll call.
“I asked them to give you a break because you have a fever,” Dick said. “It was Gasly, so he let it slide.”
Yuto’s fever showed no signs of coming down. His whole body felt like it was burning up, and even his breath felt like fire when he exhaled. Dick pressed his hand on Yuto’s cheek to check his temperature.
“If only we had some fever meds. You should at least get some hydration.”
Dick stood up to pour a glass of water at the sink.
“Can you get up?”
Yuto nodded, but his head weighed him down.
“Don’t force yourself if it’s too hard. I’ll give you the water instead.”
He thought Dick was going to support his head to lift him up, but the man instead swigged a mouthful of water and brought his face closer. Yuto wondered in surprise if Dick was doing what he thought he was doing. The man’s face came closer and closer.
“Di―”
Yuto’s voice was drowned out as their lips overlapped. Cool water came streaming into his mouth from where their lips were joined. Yuto reflexively swallowed the water as it filled his mouth. His throat made a gulping sound that was jarringly loud to his ears.
As he remained frozen in astonishment, Dick repeated the motion without hesitation. Yuto’s mind was overwhelmed as he wondered why Dick was doing this, and also at the soft sensation of Dick’s lips.
“Want another drink?”
He almost felt like Dick was asking him if he wanted to be kissed again. Confused, Yuto looked up at Dick’s face. Their eyes locked in the darkness.
Yuto wanted to say he’d had enough, but his body thought otherwise as he found himself nodding. Dick crouched over Yuto again and fed him water mouth-to-mouth.
The water was like a sweet nectar; it softly caressed his tongue as it nourished every inch of his parched body. It quenched him down to each and every cell. But he was still thirsty.
He wanted more. He wanted to be given more, from those lips.
In his thirst for those sweet droplets, Yuto found himself unwittingly running the tip of his tongue along Dick’s wet lips. Dick stiffened for a moment, but promptly answered Yuto’s plea and gave him a fresh draught of water. Yuto drank it in ecstatically.
Eventually Dick broke contact and pulled away. Yuto found himself feeling lonely. He knew it was strange of him, but he couldn’t help it.
Dick wiped Yuto’s lips with his finger and let out a deep sigh.
“Look, I know you have a fever, but you shouldn’t leave yourself wide open like that.”
“…What do you mean?” Yuto asked hazily. Dick sighed again.
“So you don’t get it. That’s fine. Forget it.”
Dick sounded irritated. Yuto wondered what had soured Dick’s mood.
“Dick, I’m fine now. You can go to sleep.”
“Don’t worry about it. One night of lost sleep won’t do me any harm.”
Yuto chuckled softly.
“What?” Dick said, furrowing his brow.
“People can really change, huh,” Yuto said. “I remember what you said to me before. ‘You’re on your own. I’d rather not have to wipe your ass for you.’ Remember that?”
Those were Dick’s cutting words, said to him on Yuto’s first night after he had been beaten black and blue by BB’s goons.
“You don’t forget anything, do you?” Dick said in an exasperated tone.
“I remember more than you’d expect,” Yuto said, his mouth relaxing in a smile. “That’s why I’m still hung up about why you gave me the cold shoulder when I first came in.”
He knew he ought to let it go already, but it had remained stubbornly lodged on his mind. He had misunderstood Dick at first, but now he knew that Dick wasn’t a cold person at heart, no matter how aloof he may seem on the outside. That fact made Yuto want to know even more about the reason behind Dick’s attitude.
“Did something about me bother you, Dick? Did I do something to make you angry that time?”
“It’s not your fault,” Dick explained. “It’s my stubbornness. It’s just how I am. I can’t let my guard down around people until I get to know who they are. I’ll apologize if it’s bothered you. I’m sorry.”
Dick’s voice was quiet, and he didn’t seem to be lying. But Yuto’s apprehension remained. He still remembered the hint of animosity he saw in Dick’s hostile gaze when they had first met. It was more than him simply being on guard; it felt like Dick was keeping a distance for some other discrete reason.
Il semble véritablement émerveillé, et tout aussi abasourdi.
— King…
Lui ne fait pas tant d’effort pour se retenir, et les larmes coulent doucement le long de ses joues. Parce que c’est lui, parce qu’il n’a pas peur de montrer ses émotions, parce qu’il est franc et honnête, et qu’il ne se cache pas.
— C’est ce que tu es, Adrian. Une putain d’étoile. Une étoile qui semble briller plus fort que toutes les autres.
Il ne bouge pas, le nez toujours rivé sur ce morceau de papier.
— Hé…
Du bout de l’index, je l’oblige à lever la tête pour croiser mon regard. Ses yeux sombres sont embués.
— Je t’aime. Comme je ne pensais pas être prêt à aimer à nouveau. Peut-être même encore plus fort.
Au moment où mes lèvres se posent sur les siennes, j'ai la sensation de pouvoir enfin respirer, après des années à retenir mon souffle. Le soupir qu'il pousse contre ma bouche me fait frissonner davantage que la neige qui tombe sur nous à gros flocons."
Mais il m’embrasse aussi comme s’il me haïssait.
Je peux sentir sa rage, son amertume sur ma langue, dans la façon dont ses ongles courts s’enfoncent dans ma chair"
-Ce n'est pas un problème. C'est un mur, plutôt. "Ton" mur.
Tate avait raison. Il avait bel et bien une barrière. Il ne faisait "aucune" confiance aux relations.
Qu'elles soient familiales, ou pire encore, amoureuses. Il lui semblait préférable de s'en tenir à des rapports faciles, simples et sans complications.
Tout ce que n'était pas Tate.
-Non, mais tu t'entends? s'exclama-t-il sous le regard de Tate, le souffle court. Ouais, j'ai une putain de muraille. Elle fait 6 mètres de hauteur, "surtout" avec toi. T'es différent. Et le fait que tu n'aies jamais fréquenté d'autre homme avant moi me fout une trouille de tous les diables.
Aussitôt, Tate se calma et recula. C'était comme s'il venait de lui envoyer son poing en plein visage. Logan glissa ses doigts dans les poches avant du jean de Tate et l'attira à nouveau contre lui.
-Je ne mentais pas, hier soir. Tu me fais peur. C'est pas pour moi, "ça". Je ne reste pas en couple avec qui que ce soit, et il est hors de question pour moi de laisser mon cœur guider ma tête.
-Je sais, acquiesça Tate. C'est juste que... Comment je peux savoir ce que tu veux de...
-Il m'a fait souffrir, l'interrompit Logan, peu désireux d'entendre Tate formuler à voix haute les doutes qu'il avait à son sujet.
Il approcha sa main du visage de Tate pour la poser sur sa joue.
-Il m'a embrassé et il m'a touché comme personne. Et quand il me disait que j'étais spécial à ses yeux, je le croyais.
Logan cessa de parler quand Tate s'avança et glissa une main dans ses cheveux.
-Tu "es" spécial à mes yeux. Vraiment spécial.
Logan eut toutes les peines du monde à expirer à l'entente de l'émotion pure qui perçait dans ses paroles, et quand Tate colla son corps au sien ici, dans ce musée, et scella sa bouche à la sienne, l'espace d'un instant, il s'autorisa à croire que Tate était réellement sien.
C'est mon privilège...
Admirer le vrai visage d'Asami...
Je suis le seul.
Arrivé sur mon palier, je m’arrête net dans ma course.
Mon voisin se tient devant sa porte qu’il vient de claquer.
Ce sont ses boots que je remarque d’abord, avant de laisser mes yeux remonter sur son jean noir qui moule ses fesses rondes et fermes. Puis sa main, tenant un casque de moto. Sa veste en cuir, qui cache la forme de son torse que je devine pourtant puissant. Puis plus haut. Toujours plus haut. Jusqu’à son visage qu’il vient de tourner vers moi en m’entendant arriver.
Mon souffle se bloque dans ma poitrine.
Inspiration.
Expiration.
Ais-je déjà vu un visage comme le sien ?
Il est…Beau ? Certes. Ses yeux bleus, froids, croisent les miens et je me liquéfie de l’intérieur.
Sombre. Bestial. Sexy.
Ses lèvres s’incurvent légèrement pour dessiner un sourire.
Un peu tordu. Mal assuré.
Mon regard dévie pour se poser sur la longue balafre qui court le long du côté droit.
Ma bouche s’ouvre en grand devant ma surprise.
Je crois qu’il a deviné ce que je regardais avec tant d’attention. Je m’en veux. Que pense-t-il ? Que je le trouve hideux ? Difforme ? Monstrueux.
Il se trompe. Totalement.
J’ai envie de m’avancer près de lui et de caresser cette cicatrice du bout des doigts.
Non. Je n’ai jamais vu de visage comme le sien. Abimé. Détruit. Sublime.
Si parfaitement imparfait.
—Bonsoir.
Sa voix, rauque, chaude, grave, résonne dans le couloir et dans chaque partie de mon corps. Mes poils se hérissent. Un frisson parcourt mon échine.
Encore. Parle-moi encore. Ne t’arrête plus jamais. "
Je prends une grande inspiration, prêt à lui annoncer la chose la plus honnête, la plus sincère que je lui ai jamais avouée. Je me lance, avant qu’il prononce le moindre mot, ce qui risquerait de me couper dans mon élan.
— Je voulais juste que tu saches que si j’avais été capable de tomber amoureux de qui que ce soit, ça aurait été de toi.
Le silence s’installe entre nous, et je devine qu’il est dans le même état que moi. Je ne suis pas certain que ces quelques paroles puissent l’aider à se sentir mieux, à l’apaiser, mais il fallait que ça sorte. Il fallait qu’il se rende compte que je me suis toujours montré sincère envers lui, que je n’ai jamais joué, pas une seule seconde. Que je n’avais pas l’intention de le blesser. Et que, dans d’autres circonstances, il aurait pu être l’homme de ma vie.
— Prends soin de toi, dit-il finalement, et je sais qu’il a compris.
— Au revoir, Andréa, je murmure, la gorge serrée.
— Adieu, Lukas, souffle-t-il avant de raccrocher.
J’ignore combien de temps je suis resté prostré ici, la tête dans les mains, pendant que le monde s’éveillait autour de moi.
Je devais rentrer.
J’avais envie de dormir. Je me sentais mal. J’ai hélé un taxi qui m’a déposé chez moi vingt minutes plus tard.
Et voilà où j’en suis à présent.
En train de dévisager Zacharie qui sourit, son corps à quelques centimètres du mien.
Zacharie qui m’oblige à voir la vérité en face. Qui fait ressortir toute ma culpabilité envers Sierra. Toute ma culpabilité sur le fait que je n’arrive pas à avouer que j’ai aimé ce qui s’est passé entre nous. Je le hais tellement. Et encore plus lorsque je me rends compte à quel point je le désire. Non. Je ne peux pas. Ce n’est pas normal. Ce n’est pas sain.
Mes poings sont refermés le long de mon corps, ma mâchoire est crispée. Je ne veux pas faire quelque chose que je risque de regretter plus tard.
C’est à ce moment-là qu’il demande, son éternel rictus au coin des lèvres.
— Comme quoi ? Me foutre un coup ou m’embrasser ? J’ai le droit de donner mon avis sur la question ? "
Alex.
Je sens Sasha se redresser, et retenir sa respiration pendant quelques instants. Merde, je ne voulais vraiment pas m’exprimer à voix haute, c’est sorti tout seul, avant que je puisse ravaler mes mots.
— Qu’est-ce que tu racontes ? souffle-t-il, et j’ai la certitude qu’il sait exactement de quoi je parle.
— Toi et moi, ça n’aurait pas…
Le raclement de sa chaise me fait lever la tête. Il est debout à présent. Ses mains sont serrées en poings le long de son corps, et il se mord la lèvre comme pour s’empêcher de me hurler au visage. Puis il farfouille dans la poche arrière de son jean, jette un billet sur la table, et sans émettre le moindre son, sans prononcer le moindre mot, il s’éloigne d’un pas rapide.
Je ne le regarde pas. Non, je fixe mes mains d’un air absent, comme si, par la force de ma pensée, je voulais les empêcher d’agir d’elles-mêmes pour éviter de me foutre une putain de tarte dans la gueule. Merde."
Arnaud
Je n’ai pratiquement pas dormi, le cerveau en compote, le cœur en miettes. J’ai à peine mangé, me shootant au café pour tenter de garder les yeux ouverts. J’ai essayé de bosser un peu, mais je n’arrivais à rien, mon esprit trop accaparé par Arnaud."
Sasha
— Je ne suis pas ta grande histoire d’amour, Zane, mais je postule pour la prochaine. Je pose ma candidature pour les suivantes aussi et surtout pour la dernière. Je préfère être le dernier. Ton dernier. Je préfère avoir une moitié de ton cœur, plutôt que ne pas l’avoir du tout.