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CUSTOMER: I’ve got some books I’d like to sell (plonks them on the desk). I’d like twenty five quid for the lot.

BOOKSELLER: Didn’t you buy these from us last week?

CUSTOMER: Yes.

BOOKSELLER: I see they’ve still got our prices in.

CUSTOMER: Uh-huh.

BOOKSELLER: . . . You didn’t even pay twenty five pounds for these in the first place.

CUSTOMER: Yes, but they’re older now than they were last week, see. So they must be worth more.

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CUSTOMER: Do you have a copy of Atonement? But not the film cover, please. Keira Knightley’s neck makes me want to punch things

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CUSTOMER: Do you have a book with a list of careers? I want to give my daughter some inspiration.

BOOKSELLER: Ah, is she applying to university?

CUSTOMER: Oh no, not yet. She’s just over there. Sweetheart?

(a four year old girl comes over)

CUSTOMER: There you are. Now, you talk to the nice lady, and I’m going to find you a book on how to become a doctor or a scientist. What do you think about that?

(The girl says nothing)

CUSTOMER (to bookseller): Won’t be a sec.

(Customer wanders off into non-fiction)

BOOKSELLER: So, what’s your name?

CHILD: Sarah.

BOOKSELLER: Sarah? That’s a beautiful name.

CHILD: Thank you.

BOOKSELLER: So, Sarah, what do you want to be when you grow up?

CHILD: . . . A bumblebee.

BOOKSELLER: Excellent

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“on the phone

Bookseller: Hello Ripping Yarns.

Customer: Do you have any mohair wool?

Bookseller: Sorry, we're not a yarns shop, we're a bookshop.

Customer: You're called Ripping Yarns.

Bookseller: Yes, that's 'yarns' as in stories.

Customer: Well it's a stupid name.

Bookseller: It's a Monty Python reference.

Customer: So you don't sell wool?

Bookseller: No.

Customer: Hmf. Ridiculous.

Bookseller: ...but we do sell dead parrots.

Customer: What?

Bookseller: Parrots. Dead. Extinct. Expired. Would you like one?

Customer: Erm, no.

Bookseller: Ok, well if you change your mind, do call back.”

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“WOMAN: Hi, where are your copies of Breaking Dawn? I can't see any on the shelf.

BOOKSELLER: Sorry, I think we’ve sold out of the Twilight books; we’re waiting on more.

WOMAN: What?

BOOKSELLER: We should have some in tomorrow.

WOMAN: But I need a copy now. I finished the last one last night.

BOOKSELLER: I’m sorry, I can’t help you.

WOMAN: No, you don’t understand. I’ve taken the whole day off work to read it.

BOOKSELLER: Erm…

WOMAN: I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS! NOW!

BOOKSELLER: Erm…

WOMAN: Can you call your wholesaler and see if they can deliver this afternoon?

BOOKSELLER: They only ---

WOMAN: And then I can wait here for them.

BOOKSELLER: I’m sorry, they only deliver in the morning.

WOMAN: BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?

BOOKSELLER: . . .we have many other books.

WOMAN (sniffs): Do any of those have Robert Pattinson in them?”

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“CUSTOMER: OK, so you want this book?

THEIR DAUGHTER: Yes!

CUSTOMER: Peter Pan?

THEIR DAUGHTER: Yes, please. Because he can fly.

CUSTOMER: Yes, he can - he's very good at flying.

THEIR DAUGHTER: Why can't I fly, daddy?

CUSTOMER: Because of evolution, sweetheart.”

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“MAN: Do you have black and white film posters?

BOOKSELLER: Yes, we do. They’re over here.

MAN: Do you have any posters of Adolf Hitler?

BOOKSELLER: Pardon?

MAN: Adolf Hitler.

BOOKSELLER: Well, he wasn’t a film star, was he.

MAN: Yes, he was. He was American. Jewish, I think...”

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“CUSTOMER: Hi.

BOOKSELLER: Hi there, how can I help?

CUSTOMER: Could you please explain Kindle to me.

BOOKSELLER: Sure. It’s an e-reader, which means you download books and read them on a small hand-held computer.

CUSTOMER: Oh OK, I see. So . . . this Kindle. Are the books on that paperback or hardback?”

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“CUSTOMER: Which was the first Harry Potter book?

BOOKSELLER: The Philosopher’s Stone.

CUSTOMER: And the second?

BOOKSELLER: The Chamber of Secrets.

CUSTOMER: I’l take The Chamber of Secrets. I don’t want The Philosopher’s Stone.

BOOKSELLER: Have you already read that one?

CUSTOMER: No, but with series of books I always find they take a while to really get going. I don’t want to waste my time with the useless introductory stuff at the beginning.

BOOKSELLER: The story in Harry Potter actually starts right away. Personally, I do recommend that you start with the first book – and it’s very good.

CUSTOMER: Are you working on commission?

BOOKSELLER: No.

CUSTOMER: Right. How many books are there in total?

BOOKSELLER: Seven.

CUSTOMER: Exactly. I’m not going to waste my money on the first book when there are so many others to buy. I’l take the second one.

BOOKSELLER: . . . If you’re sure.

(One week later, the customer returns)

BOOKSELLER: Hi, did you want to buy a copy of The Prisoner of Azkaban?

CUSTOMER: What’s that?

BOOKSELLER: It’s the book after The Chamber of Secrets.

CUSTOMER: Oh, no, definitely not. I found that book far too confusing. I ask you, how on earth are children supposed to understand it if I can’t? I mean, who the heck is that Voldemort guy anyway? No. I’m not going to bother with the rest.

BOOKSELLER: . . .”

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“CUSTOMER: Hi, I just wanted to ask: did Anne Frank ever write a sequel?

BOOKSELLER: ........

CUSTOMER: I really enjoyed her first book.

BOOKSELLER: Her diary?

CUSTOMER: Yes, the diary.

BOOKSELLER: Her diary wasn’t fictional.

CUSTOMER: Really?

BOOKSELLER: Yes... She really dies at the end – that’s why the diary finishes. She was taken to a concentration camp.

CUSTOMER: Oh... that’s terrible.

BOOKSELLER: Yes, it was awful -

CUSTOMER: I mean, it’s such a shame, you know? She was such a good writer.”

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