Extraits

On m'a détruite, moi aussi, mais je commence enfin à guérir. Du moins, c'est ce que je croyais. Quand j'ai vu Kayden dans cet état, une partie de moi a volé en éclats. Et, lorsque sa mère m'a dit qu'il s'était infligés ses blessures, j'ai perdu pied. Je refuse d'y croire. Je ne peux pas y croire. Je ne peux pas.

Parfois, les meilleurs décisions sont les plus imprévisibles.

Spoiler(cliquez pour révéler)Seth starts clapping and I move my hands together, but then my phone rings from inside my pocket. “Cumbersome,” by Seven Mary Three.

“It’s my brother!” I shout over the noise of the crowd as I get to my feet. “I’ll be right back. He’s been trying to call me all night.”

I hurry down the stairs, making sure to move to the other side when a group of guys comes walking up. Even through all of the recovery, crowds and unfamiliar guys make me nervous. But the important part is I’m here and not hiding. I quickly answer it as enter the food area and the screaming of the crowd fades out. “Hey,” I say.

“Hey.” He doesn’t sound happy, but he usually doesn’t. I’ve actually noticed that my brother has a very grumpy tone, but that it’s just him and shouldn’t be taken personally.

“Sorry I didn’t pick up earlier.” I head to one of the empty metal tables in the middle of the room, sink down on a bench, and rest my arm on top of the table. “I’m at a game and it’s loud.”

“It’s all right.” He gets quiet and then he sighs. “Callie, I don’t know how to tell you this—and mom thinks I shouldn’t—but you’re friends with Luke and you’re going to find out.” A lump starts to form in my throat and I swallow hard to force it down. “What’s wrong?”

He takes a loud breath and blows it out. “Well, after the police searched Caleb’s house they found a few things… notes and journals and stuff… and, well… do you remember Amy Price? Luke’s sister? She was only a couple of years older than you and she committed suicide when she was sixteen.”

“I didn’t know she… I didn’t know that.” My chest starts to compress as I remember the one time Luke mentioned his sister.

“Well, she did and no one really knew why,” he says. “I remember some of the kids in my grade saying she was a slut and super weird and a pothead, but no one really knew her outside of that.”

Change a few words and Amy’s story matches mine.

“Jackson, what was in those journals they found?”

He keeps puffing out breaths and I wonder if he’s smoking or something. “Notes about people, you, her… and the stuff he did to you… her… other girls.”

I sit there, frozen in time, like a statue made of cracked and chipped stone. “How do you know this?”

“Dad’s friend, Denny, the cop, came over for dinner the other night and told dad, even though he’s not supposed to talk about it yet until further investigation. He thought dad should know since there was stuff in the journals about… you.”

He keeps talking, but I barely hear him. I barely hear anything over the sound of my heart. I’m not even sure what’s striking the nerve. Whether it’s the feelings manifesting inside me, that Caleb actually wrote about me, that he did stuff to others, or that Luke’s sister killed herself… and that maybe… and that maybe she did it because of her internal suffering. Maybe she just couldn’t hold on any longer. I cut the conversation short and head back to the stadium. I walk back to the bench and my eyes instantly go to Luke. He looks at me and cocks on eyebrow with interest and I feel my heart transfer to him. I don’t know how I think or how I feel. Because even though I got my redemption, Luke’s sister wasn’t so lucky. I grab at the clover hanging around my neck and hold onto to it with every single speck of hope I have in me and I tell myself just how lucky I am. Yes, I went through a lot of pain, heartache, breaking. But I’m here breathing and my heart is beating. I’m thriving. I’m not alone. And I’m loved.

Spoiler(cliquez pour révéler)I get up, sliding my phone into my back pocket, and then I start to run down the road right as the wind kicks up. Snow flurries are falling on the sidewalk and road, but I run against them, pushing forward, unsure where I’m going. And that’s okay. Sometimes the best things are the ones that aren’t planned, the decisions made while living in the moment.

I get up, sliding my phone into my back pocket, and then I start to run down the road right as the wind kicks up. Snow flurries are falling on the sidewalk and road, but I run against them, pushing forward, unsure where I’m going. And that’s okay. Sometimes the best things are the ones that aren’t planned, the decisions made while living in the moment.

“What the hell’s so funny about that?” Seth sounds offended and he rolls up the sleeves of his gray shirt. He flexes his muscles and I just about die of laughter. “Well, I’m glad I can entertain you.”

“I’m sorry,” I say, wiping the tears away from my eyes. “It’s just so funny to picture.”

He glares at me, but it vanishes as someone knocks on the door. “Oh good, there’s my breakfast.” He heads over to it, collecting his wallet from the nightstand. “And if it’s so funny to picture then stop picturing it.” He grins at me as he grabs the door handle. “You know we’re going to have to come up with a solution to the no-car dilemma…” He trails off as he opens the door and his jaw hangs to his knees. Kayden is standing on the other side of it, with a thin jacket on, and the bottoms of his jeans are wet with muddy water and so are his boots. He has snowflakes in his damp hair and water beads off the end of each strand. His lips are purple, his eyes are red like he’s been crying, and his hands are tucked up in the sleeves.

“Nope, not breakfast for me,” he says, glancing at me. “I think this is what you ordered.”

“What are you doing?” she asks, watching the water stream out as I stick my hand in and check the temperature.

“Taking a bath.” I secretly love the fact that there’s only a tub and no shower. The possibilities of what we could do in this big bathtub are endless.

She fidgets nervously, her body stiffening as she warily eyes the water filling up the tub. “We’re going to take a bath together?”

Her nose scrunches up and I’m about to tell her that we don’t have to if she doesn’t want to when she says, “Then we’d be, like, sitting in each other’s filth.”

I sputter a laugh and then step up onto the stair. “How dirty do you think I am?”

Every once in a while she’ll get this conniving look in her eyes and it’s appearing in full form. “I don’t know.” She scales up my body. “Guys are known for their filthiness, aren’t they?”

“What did you get?” I nod toward the bag and force a smile to my lips. “Anything good?”

Her brow puckers as she glances down at the bag in her hand and then back at me. “I don’t know.”

The way she says it, with such perplexity, makes me wonder what’s in the bag. I start to reach for it to tease her. “Can I see?”

She shakes her head quickly and moves her hand around to her back, her cheeks turning a little pink. “No way.”

Okay, now I’m even more curious. I look at Seth for an explanation but he just shrugs nonchalantly. “Callie’s just being Callie.”

Luke snorts and even Kayden cracks a smile. But I keep frowning because it feels like we’re running away from our problems. If I’ve learned anything in my life, it’s that running away from them only allows them to chase you.

It’s been a little less than a week since I saw Kayden at the café. I’ve texted and called him a couple of times and always end up crying because he won’t answer. I can’t stop thinking about the emptiness in his eyes and the anger in them when he pulled away. Seth’s texted him a few times, but it always goes unanswered. It kills me that there’s been no contact with him and that he’s up in that house, alone with his terrible family, keeping silent about his life. Silence. Silence. Why is it always about silence? I wish both of us could tell the world and be free from the chains we drag around.